When Nice becomes a VICE!

I have a confession to make . . .
 
I have been TOO NICE.
 
That’s right.  I have been too nice, too accommodating, too friendly, too POSITIVE.  I have sometimes told people what they wanted to hear instead of what they needed to hear:
 
THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH!
 
It’s not like I lied to anyone or let anyone walk all over me, but I wanted to be soft, peaceful, unthreatening, NICE.
 
You know what we tell ourselves about ourselves . . .
 
    You are here to serve . . .
    You can’t indulge in negativity . . .
    If you can’t say something nice . . .
    You’re a coach and a HEALER, a spiritual woman who must always walk in the light . . .
 
And to some degree, I BOUGHT IT!
 
That is not to say that I want to revel in the darkness, but sometimes I just need to say the word fuck!
 
Here’s my problem–I spent most of my life being a person whose brain naturally veered toward the sardonic.  I didn’t earn the nickname Queen of Sarcasm for nothing.  I could slice and dice you up in a minute with no other weapons than my wit and my tongue.  I wasn’t mean (most of the time) but I could certainly tell you about yourself if I wanted to.
 
But then I  to started to awaken and all of a sudden, I was supposed to be . . . you know.  
 
I don’t have anything against being nice.  I do have something against being inauthentic, untrue to who I really am.  When other people do that, I tell them they are buying into the programming–society’s way of taming us and keeping us from exercising the power in our own beings.
 
Apparently, I am not alone.  According to one psychologist in Denmark (and probably elsewhere), all the happy, happy we indulge in just ain’t all that healthy.  Or rather the enforced happy state we may find ourselves in because we are supposed to be “positive.”  I don’t believe in “positivity” any more than I believe in “negativity.”  But most times when we worry about being nice, we worry about being accepted, or heard or listened to.  Yes, even coaches and healers want their clients to like them.  
 
But true transformation and healing isn’t always pretty.  It’s hard and messy and sometimes it hurts for someone to tell you about yourself, even if it is done with grace.  
 
So I am calling bullshit on my own bullshit.
 
Don’t worry, I have no intention of reverting to my old snarky self, but I do intend recognize when I am pulling my punches and worry less about finding some NICE way to couch what I have to say. and let me be me..  
 
So now it’s your turn–
 
Ask yourself–In what ways have I been inauthentic to myself in my life, my work or with my love?
 
  • Have you said yes, when you really wanted to say no?
  • Have you put others’ needs ahead of your own, even when they didn’t ask you to?
  • Do you put on a different face at work or around your friends or love–and then feel bad about it?
  • Do you do the work you love, or are you stuck in a career you hate or one someone else picked out for you?
  • Are you waiting until you are thinner, older, more experienced, more confident or more worthy to create your dream life?
How to be true to you:
 
1.  Get clear on who you are and what you want.   This is not an exercise in thinking about yourself, but sitting with your energy and noting your feelings and knowings about yourself. It is a meditative process by which you come to know your own heart and soul.  The video below is designed to help you tap into your own intuition.
 
 
For a systematic approach to this endeavor, you can also check out my WOMANifesto program, which helps you first clear your energy field and then reverse the process to anchor in new energies and a new vision of who you are.  This program will be reopening later this week and I will be offering you, my loyal readers a really special offer on this introspective, energy centered work you can do on your own.
 
 
2.  Remind yourself who you are.  If you’ve been programmed to think and act a particular way, it takes time and effort to deprogram yourself.  Use sticky notes to write affirmations, quotes, reminders, or other notes that help you recall what you are trying to give up and what you are working toward.  Set reminders on your phone to take a moment to stare into your own eyes and say something loving about yourself.
 
3.  If you are used to saying yes to whatever people ask for without thinking, make no your default answer.  See more on the Power of No, HERE!
 
4.  Encourage others to treat you with respect by respecting yourself and your desires.  If you downplay what you want, so will others.  If you make jokes about yourself, you invite others to do the same.  If you don’t hold your boundaries; others will walk over them with ease.  As my grandmother used to say, “If you lay yourself down like a doormat, don’t be surprised if people step on you.”
 
5.Let your Inner Wild Child out to play.  There’s nothing more authentic about us than that internal voice that rebels against the strictures we place on ourselves as adults.  She holds our greatest creative power and potential.  Let her inform who you are in the present.  She’s the force that can break you out of your complacency and find joy in the simple pleasures of being alive.
 
Thanks so much for reading the verrry long post.  I hope it was helpful to you.  See you next time–

2 Responses so far.

  1. Sandra says:

    Loved it – rings true to me too xo

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